"Women aren't funny." During my career as a standup, I've heard that almost as often as, "You're not funny." I've heard it so often in fact that I decided to research it at length. After carefully analyzing the data of several independent studies on the subject I report to you my unbiased findings: Women are indeed not funny.

 

It's true that some women seem funny. But what's actually happening here is these women are gay, fat, ugly, or a combination of all three, and their grotesque personal limitations are great enough to give you the impression of being funny by being completely unfuckable. The laughter you're hearing is nervous laughter, which can translate as, "Thank God I don't have to fuck that." Let me give you some examples. Joan Rivers seems funny. But it certainly didn't hurt her comedy career that the only guy who wanted to fuck her killed himself. Moms Mabley seemed funny, and, again, that was due to the fact that one glimpse of her made men impotent. My father told me he once saw a man cut off his own penis the instant she walked onstage. Roseanne and Rosie seem quite funny and it's obvious that their lack of self control at the craft service table was what made that possible.

 

Sure, women perform at standup comedy venues, often having their very own night-- all of which should be called, "My Daddy Fucked Me and Mommy Never Noticed Me." and then closes with a "I can't get laid" piece to a room full of cheering chicks. Well, you might notice that it's only the women in the audience who are amused by her bitter contradictions, but they don't know from funny. They are, after all, women. I mean, be honest, women are raised to be pleasers, and will laugh at anything, even the babble of a little baby, who in clearly incapable of creating a well-crafted punchline.

 

In researching this piece, I caught wind of a very funny woman performing on the club circuit. But in reality it proved to be merely a monkey in high heels and a sun bonnet. A male monkey.

 

You might argue that Hollywood loves it's classy, clitoral clowns. This brings us to the group of comedic actresses who have no idea how not-funny they are. These include Sandra Bullock, Meg Ryan, Jenna Elfman, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Rachael Leigh Cook, and pretty much any other actress sporting three names... Jennifer Lopez, Julia Roberts, Ashley Judd, Brooke Shields, Calista Flockhart, Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Lucy Lui, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Jenny McCarthy, Anne Heche, Charlize Theron... obviously due to time constraints, I can only name a fraction of these not-funny women. The smiles they don't bring to men's faces are not indicative of humor, but only men's desire to fuck them.

 

Skinny women can make you think they're funny for a second, and then you realize they're just hysterical and you are only laughing because you are frightened they will hurt themselves or lop off someone's head with their bony elbow. It's basically what is called "funny bone laughter" which is based on the pain-pity response and not triggering a genuine laugh reflex. Along the same lines, women can appear to be funny when they fall in mud, have food thrown at them, or are hit with a flying object that they failed to catch. But it's actually the item that hurts or soils them that's funny, and not the women themselves.

 

Okay, there's Janeanne Garofalo. A very big star of the screen, who seems to be the odd missing link of women in comedy. Is she funny? Is she pretty? Is she gay? Men don't know whether to fuck her or fight her, which is likely the key to her success. Confusion can often produce a laugh, but funny it clearly isn't.

 

Obviously women can say they are funny. Many talk at length about it without one single punchline to back them up. Women can have sex with funny men but no matter how much comedy sperm they swallow, the woman's estrogen immediately attacks and destroys whatever humor she may have ingested.

 

Women can wear funny, even outlandish, costumes and not even raise an eyebrow, except perhaps in annoyance. A bit of irony should be noted here that women dressed as men are not funny at all-- Tina Brandon comes to mind-- but men dressed as women will always get a rousing guffaw. Who can look at Benny Hill or Milton Berle and not burst into genuine laughter?

 

Sure, some guys will tell you that the woman they're dating is funny. Hysterical. A real crackerjack. But let's be honest here, what the man is really saying is that the good ol' girl is willing to throw back her head and laugh uproariously at all his fabulous jokes and clever observations.

 

I'd like to put to rest the ever-persistent social lie that men love funny women. Men cannot love funny women because there are none.

 

Yes, women can star in situation comedies, be the center square or write clever monologues about their vaginas. But none of these admirable accomplishments make women funny. Women aren't funny. And clearly, I'm no exception. So, when a young female comic comes to me and says, "How do I go about being funny?" I say, "You don't." But if no one wants to fuck you, that's as close as you're going to get.